Today’s coaching comes from a post that blew up my page on Facebook and got over 100 likes, 25 shares and obviously hit a nerve that we need to talk more about in the church.
It’s the word: SUBMISSION. Now, for the record, Jay and I have been married for almost 30 years, have raised 4 mustangs (everyone else has regular children). I birthed 4 pioneers, who had difficult transitions through teenage years and each pioneered their callings through ALOT of tension. We have 3 boys and 1 girl and even my daughter who was a straight A, now a worship pastor, had an rollercoaster young adult experience. There were times when Jay and I wondered why we were getting the amount of spiritual warfare we were and then, honestly didn’t see eye to eye on how to handle all the parenting issues that came up. ( Just being real). And when I don’t agree, I pray and then I communicate it clearly as I believe in SUBMISSION BUT NOT STUPIDITY. Now, hope that didn’t make you blow a gasket but here’s the point of today’s post.
Obviously we need to tweak the way we teach on submission in the body of Christ if our divorce rate is equal to the world. I believe in delegated authority. However, what I want to talk with you is a LEADERSHIP issue, because here’s the truth, the biggest mistakes I have seen in marriage’s that ended in divorce or blown up teams are leaders who didn’t take FULL ownership of the results.
Women are commanded biblically to respect just as men are commanded to love but there are practical things you can do to make your wife feel more secure in your leadership and create respect in times of tension. Look at it like this. You’re running a mini- corporation or a SEAL military team. The family needs to be operating a peak performance to navigate the warfare you’re going to get from our culture. Your wife is your sniper who can take out the enemy if you listen to deeply to her. Remember: She’s your HELPER, (means you listen to the helper). So, let’s read this together:
Ephesians 5:25-33 The Message
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church~ a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. EVERYTHING he DOES AND SAYS is designed to bring the BEST out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that his how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor`since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and PAMPERS it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of the body.
3 Keys To Make Your Wife Respect YOUR Leadership
- When you go to make a decision that you think your wife will have a different opinion on, do this: Pray~ Father, I am trying to make the best decision I can but I want you to know I am open to doing it differently. Ask him to confirm to you through your wife if this is a good direction. Then go to your wife, and tell her I HAVE BEEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS and I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS. This is going to produce multiple things for you as a leader. First, your wife is going to feel more secure that you’re praying about decisions that impact her and the kids. Second, she’s going to feel valued that you asked her opinion before you plowed ahead.
- If she disagrees with decision, tell her: Thank you, I hadn’t seen that side of it, I am going to go back to God now (or talk to another leader about this before executing) and see if this is the right decision. The biggest mistakes are made when you are isolated, you have no male friends to run any decision’s by and you’re trying to lead into new territory with no “intel” (you’re not reading books on the topic/talking to your sources who might know the territory better or otherwise you’re just hoping you’re going to be successful with literally no training, preparation or advanced weaponery (prayer). If men looked at their marriages and families with a military perspective, they would be much more willing to get additional support in difficult seasons in their family. YOUR IN A WAR. THE ENEMY WANTS TO KILL YOU. YOUR MARRIAGE. YOUR CHILDREN. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE as Patton would say.
- Take ownership of the results in your marriage and your family. This isn’t just a marriage tip though it will make your wife BRAG on your leadership, it’s a business teaming tip. Leadership means YOU OWN THE RESULTS no matter what happened or what goes wrong. That’s why most people don’t build successful long-term visions. It’s not your wife’s fault, its not your kids fault. It’s not the ministry or business team that was not cooperating or rebellious. It’s your ability to pray and lead effectively. Everything rises and falls on your leadership. Leadership is being willing to be evaluated, taking ownership when things go wrong without shift blaming and changing your style if what you’re doing isn’t working. You don’t need a year to examine your results. Sometimes Jay and I could see results from a decision in 2 days, sometimes 2 months. Jay has always been willing to change what isn’t working which has made me trust him more even during times when things seemed like they were going south.
Bottom line. We don’t want to be ordinary Christian leaders. We want to finish strong and win the war our culture is in. To win, you’re going to have to be willing to be different which is why I create teams and communities instead of just selling my coaching. If you need a team to help you create higher mindsets and accountability, join the Bold Identity team. Mean while, a great book I recommend on ownership that Jay bought for us to read is Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy Seals Lead And Win. Next blog, I will be talking to the women on their part in the leadership equation! Let me know what you think!